To Fulfill Your Destiny  

Not Achieving Your Goals May Actually Put You On The To Fulfil Your Destiny

Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Unexpected Twists and Turns

“The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.” — Barbara Hall

To a woman who complained about her destiny the Master said: “It is you who makes your destiny.”

“But surely I am not responsible for being born a woman?”

“Being born a woman isn’t destiny. That is fate. Destiny is how you accept your womanhood and-what you make of it.”

Anthony de Mello evokes the essence of your destiny coinciding with fate when you are attentive to it.

We are born with the seed of potential within us. Some are called to awaken their potential through fate or destiny while others have it thrust upon them.

I’m reminded of the tale depicting the unending search for wisdom outside of us when it waits to be discovered within.

The Creator of the universe gathered all of creation and asked: “I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realisation they create their own reality.”

“Tell me where I can hide this wisdom so they will never find it.”

The eagle replied: “Hide it beyond the furthest star. They will not find it there.”

“Not so, said the buffalo. One day man will learn to fly and find his wisdom in the furthest galaxies. Hide it on the floor of the sea and they will never find it.”

“Not so, said the wise bear. One day humans will learn to swim to the bottom of the ocean and find their wisdom there. Hide it deep within man, for he will never think to search for it there.”

So the Creator did precisely that. He hid the wisdom of life deep within mankind.

The quest to fulfil one’s goals and dreams is a journey many go in search of. Whilst there is no roadmap marking the route, you must take a leap of faith and trust your journey is following in the right direction.

However, along the path, you may encounter unexpected twists and turns that look like you have lost your way, when in fact you are exactly where you need to be.

“A man staring down at his shoes, each on one side of the yellow street line” by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash

Your Destiny Calling

“Sometimes, perhaps, we are allowed to get lost that we may find the right person to ask directions of.” — Robert Brault

I revealed in earlier articles how I studied to become a menswear fashion designer at university and spent time in Italy before my life was transformed.

Within the years that followed, I went from fashioning fabrics to writing and speaking about self-empowerment because I felt a pull to explore this path.

I had little experience as a writer and speaker, yet everything fell into place as I moved forward.

What I experienced at the time is best depicted in the quote by the American novelist Wendell Berry who said: “It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.”

What I thought was my ambition to be a successful designer soon became a distant fantasy.

I was asked in the years that followed whether I missed working in design. Frankly no, because my time as a designer had run its course and I was excited about exploring life as a writer and speaker.

Does that mean you shouldn’t chase your goals and dreams?

Certainly not.

My goal was to become a designer working in Europe and by that account, I fulfilled my ambition until life had other plans.

Author Alan Cohen said: “Every choice before you represents the universe inviting you to remember who you are and what you want.”

In pursuing your goals, you may encounter adversity and hardship. However, challenges may be your destiny calling.

I don’t know and neither will you until you step into it.

One thing is for certain, if your world is falling apart, it may be a sign your previous life is collapsing to give way for the new life to develop.

“A woman with her arms spread out on top of a mountain.” by Kristina Wagner on Unsplash

Embrace the Journey

“Destiny has two ways of crushing us — by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them.” — Henri Frederic Amiel

There’s a Japanese Haiku that reads: “I have always known that at last I would take this road, but yesterday I did not know that it would be today.”

There is no certainty in life when faced with these intersections and the sole guidance to draw on will be hope and faith.

Hope you will overcome the pain and faith your new life will fall into place better than expected.

It was the French author André Gide who wrote: “You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

You must go forth in the direction you are called, for that is the greatest act of courage you can undertake. It signifies your willingness to trust in the unfolding of your life’s narrative.

You are never presented with circumstances you cannot overcome because the seed of potential has been implanted within you.

Whilst it may not appear that way, when you move forward with conviction, the path will be reveal itself, but not a moment sooner.

If it seems your goals are out of reach, you may be progressing more than you realise, but not in a linear direction.

The universe comprises many moving parts.

What looks untenable now is nothing more than life orchestrating the pieces of the puzzle so your life comes together as it should.

However, if you look intently on the chaos, you are likely to think circumstances are not unfolding in your favour.

They are, but not in the way you think.

For now, follow the trail and embrace the journey while making the most of it.

Take the road less traveled and follow it with openness, knowing it might lead you to fulfill your destiny sooner than you realize.

Fair Fighting Rules for Relationships

By Dr. Perry, PhD

 

Man and Woman Hugging Each Other Near Body of Water

 

 

“An eye for an eye will only make the world blind” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Arguments and relationships go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly. Unfortunately, arguments are not as sweet as jelly and don’t go over as smooth as peanut butter. When we argue with our loved ones, it is important to remember that it’s not necessary to deliver a knock out blow. Think of the argument as a heart to heart conversation and not a bare-knuckle showdown.

Here are some simple steps to remember when arguing:

1. Pause
Before you engage in an argument with your loved one, take a moment to reflect on your feelings. Ask yourself, “Why are you upset?” Are you really upset because he or she was late or could it be your partner has not been giving you enough attention? It is important to know why you are upset so you can communicate this clearly.

2. Discuss one issue at a time 
Once you clarify your feelings you can begin to discuss why you are upset. Many times in the heat of the moment we bring up past digressions and end up arguing about something else entirely except the matter at hand. Try to keep the argument about the current disconnect by remembering to discuss one issue at a time.

3. No degrading language
Discuss the issue, not the person. All attempts must be made to keep the conversation civil. It is important to avoid name calling, swearing or put-downs. Keep in mind that negative words are a manifestation of negative feelings. There is never a good enough reason to call your partner a derogatory name. There are unpardonable words that can leave a partner feeling emotionally scarred making it harder for them to receive your love. Remember, this is someone you love and you really do not want to hurt them.

4. Express yourself
Use words to express how you feel and take responsibility for those feelings. Start your statements with ” I.” I feel angry. I feel hurt. By starting statements with “I” you are able to connect with your words with your emotions. Avoid using statements beginning with “You.” Statements starting with “You” tend to make the other person feel attacked which often leads them to shut down emotionally.

5. Take turns talking 
It is important to take turns speaking. Once you have had your turn, it is important to listen to what your partner has to say. If this is difficult, use a timer and a set amount of time for each person to speak. You can also designate an item to use like a talking stick. Whoever holds the item can speak. Just make sure you remember to pass the item! The talking stick method has been used for hundreds of years by indigenous people. The “Talking stick” can be any object.

6. Knock down the walls
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate or express emotions. It is very common during conflicts. People often do this when they want to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or prefer not to engage in an emotional discussion that may lead to a fight. Stonewalling can include a refusal to discuss feelings or walking out of a conversation. When you are both in a “sober emotional state,” make a pact with one another that you will not stonewall and will engage in a meaningful discussion no matter how challenging it may be. If one of you feels the issue warrants a discussion, the other person must respect the request by engaging and listening.

7. No Yelling
It may feel great to unleash your frustration on your partner by yelling at them, but many times this only adds fuel to the fire. When a person is yelled at, they tend to yell back in self-defense. This often results in an escalation of self-defensive responses from both parties. Yelling typically results in further alienation and frustration. Sometimes, a partner will not engage in the yelling but will passively accept the treatment. This only leads to fostering resentment by the person being yelled at. Remember, remain calm and use words to make your point, not volume.

8. Take a timeout
In a perfect world, we would all be able to communicate effectively with each other and have no need for rules. You are not expected to print up this page and follow each step while you are arguing. This is not a script for the perfect fight. In the real world, voices will be raised and perhaps a few hurtful words will be used. When you feel that the temperature is rising, take a time out until both parties cool off. Agree on a time to continue the conversation. It is important to agree on another meeting to continue the discussion so one or both parties do not attempt to stonewall.

9. Compromise 
If you reach an impasse in the argument, try to come to a compromise. If you can’t reach a compromise then agree to disagree. Try to understand each other’s point of view. Discussing and attempting to understand will help soothe negative feelings. Communication is one of the strongest pillars of the house of love, so it is important to reinforce and strengthen this skill whenever possible. Good luck! If you found this post helpful please don’t forget to like, comment and share!

6-Word Sentence Will Give You Complete Freedom And High Performance

This 6-Word Sentence Will Give You Complete Freedom And High Performance

The worst possible advice is to “lower your expectations.”

Instead, it is far more powerful to:


“Expect everything and attach to nothing.”

— Carrie Campbell


The recent hit film, Molly’s Game, written and produced by Aaron Sorkin, is about the story of Molly Bloom.

She grew up in Colorado, moved to LA, and got mixed-up in the wrong crowd. Ultimately, she found herself hosting the highest paying private poker games in the world.

It’s a true story and totally worth learning about.

Molly couldn’t be stopped. Eventually, the FBI and many other organizations were out to stop her. But she was past her point of no return, fueled by “unsustainably high dopamine hits.”

Molly hosted private games and her clients were the richest and most famous people in the world. The biggest surprise was that these people were terribly unhappy. They were disconnected and had no “center of gravity.”

When you have all the money and fame in the world, everything can become numb — and you seek bigger and bigger thrills just to feel anything.

This is what Molly got sucked and absorbed into. Eventually, it all came crashing down. She was arrested, and lost everything — all of her money, friends, and reputation.

Complete Removal Of Ego

“Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.” — Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind

Once she lost everything, and had to face the cold hard truth that she’d made some horrible mistakes, she was free to become whoever she wanted to be.

Her low was so low that she became completely devoid of ego. She started going to 12-step programs and working relentlessly on herself.

She knew she was a mess. She owned-up to everything she did. Rather than seeking “unsustainable” dopamine hits, she realized that she needed to re-center and internalize her center of gravity.

She needed to learn to sit with the discomfort and boredom — rather than impulsively seeking any form of distraction she could find to numb and suppress the restlessness.

She eventually realized that she needed a personal re-branding. She decided that the best bet for re-invention would be to have a film made of her life.

After doing some research, she decided that Aaron Sorkin could do the best job. She then spent 4 months trying to get a meeting with Sorkin. That involved getting rejected over and over and over.

Yet, she didn’t experience any pain in all of that rejection. She was already leveled to the dust in humility. She had no ego left. She had lost BIG. She had lost everything. Her reputation was as bad as it could get. She was a felon who had shamed herself and her family.

She was willing to move forward because:

  • She had spent a considerable time clarifying and justifying her thesis: that a movie about her life could actually be a viable option
  • She followed intuition
  • She went for it with abandon
  • She stayed connected to herself, her center of gravity, and those around her who had her back
  • She didn’t let the noise get it (others will try to convince you not to pursue your dream because they don’t believe they could do it or because they believe you can succeed)

Eventually, she got the meeting with Sorkin. She pitched her idea. At the end of the meeting, Sorkin said, “I’ve never met someone so down on their luck and so sure of themselves.”

Bloom responded, “I have lost everything. I have nothing to lose. I have no ego. If you don’t want to do this project, that’s fine.”


How To Have Raw And Uninhibited Performance

Whether you worry about the outcome or not, everything will turn out okay. You might as well let go of the worry. In the realm of creativity, the moment you realize you can try and fail — and that everything will be okay — then you are free to create.

In an interview with Success Magazine, actor Jeremy Piven explained that as an actor, the only way to work is to go out and audition for specific roles.

The challenge most actors/actresses face is that they get in their own way. It doesn’t matter how much homework they’ve done. If they’re too tied to a specific result, they can’t be present in the moment. They can’t truly perform their art. They come off as desperate. They get in their own way. Their performance isn’t what it could have been.

Jeremy said that when he quit worrying about a specific result, he was able to be present during his auditions. He was able to be completely who he wanted to be. He wasn’t trying to be what he thought others wanted him to be. He performed his art.

If he didn’t get the gig, either they didn’t get it or it just wasn’t the right fit. So he moves on to the next. In this way, he’s able to get the jobs he’s supposed to have. He’s not just trying to get anything he can get.

According to Robert Kegan, Harvard Psychologist, the only way to truly experience the highest levels of transformation and “conscious evolution” is to detach from the need for specific outcomes.

THIS specific outcomes isn’t what matters. THIS outcome, regardless of what it is — win or lose — has no bearing on what you’re committed to doing and being. You’re fully committed and invested. You’ve already made the decision. And in your mind, you already know what you are. So THIS outcome doesn’t affect any of that.

You won’t be derailed by success nor defeat — as most people are. You’ve already made a decision. You’re committed to that decision. And you will move forward regardless of what happens here.

Expect Everything; Attach To Nothing

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” — Yoda

According to the “Expectancy Theory of Motivation,” three things must occur for a person to have high motivation for achieving their goals:

  • You must believe you can do what it takes to achieve your goal.
  • You must believe that you know how to achieve it (you have the proper methods).
  • Finally, you must believe that the rewards of the particular goal are personally meaningful.

Napoleon Hill put it this way, “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.”

If you believe you can do it, you probably can. Dan Sullivan has said, “The brain can only find what it’s looking for.” Most people assume something is impossible because that’s all their mental filter allows for. Ellen Langer said, “If something is presented as an accepted truth, alternative ways of thinking do not even come up for consideration.”

Yet, the common advice is to “lower your expectations,” in order to protect yourself from the pain of being let down.

Lowing your expectations is horrible advice.

The reason people are told to lower their expectations is because they don’t understand the power of confidence, commitment, and expectancy. They don’t realize, like Molly Bloom, that they could create the outcomes they wanted.

How did Bloom do it?

She internalized her center of gravity. She did the deep inner work of completely removing her ego. She faced all of her demons and faced the truth.

Then, she made a committed conclusion, removed all the external noise, and made it real. All of a sudden, she’s on the Ellen show and there’s a major motion picture about her life.

She could maintain inner security because she was completely detached from the outcomes.

She completely believed she would be successful. She could create the impossible. She expected to succeed — and her expectations and hopes were sky-high.

She wanted to work with the absolute best.

She held nothing back.

Yet, she was completely detached from every outcome. And in fact, that’s why she was able to pursue with such tenacity. The outcome didn’t really matter, and paradoxically she was internally resolved to make it happen.

This is freedom.

To expect the best and be completely detached from whatever happens.

Attachment to outcomes leads to being desperate and dissolving your personal values to get that outcome. You become unhealthily obsessed and can’t stay present.

When you know things will work out, and yet can be detached to whatever happens, you can live in congruence and integrity. If you succeed, you’re not defined by that success. If you fail, you’re not defined by that failure.

Your future is bigger and better than your past.

You’re constantly growing.

You’re aligned.

You’re clear.

You’re free.

Conclusion

If you attach to an outcome — whether a good or bad — you freeze your personality. The worst thing you can do for your success is get attached to what happened in the past.

  • Prior success defines you, and stops you from re-inventing yourself in the present.
  • Prior failure defines you, and stops you from taking bigger and bolder risks in the present.

Attach to people, absolutely.

But detach completely from outcomes.

Expect EVERYTHING. Raise your expectations. Surround yourself with people who expect the best. According to what psychologists call, “The Pygmalion Effect,” people rise or fall to the expectations of those around them.

The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who hold you to a higher standard than you hold yourself.

Very few people want REAL accountability in their lives. I’ve watched it. It takes a considerable amount of persuasion to convince someone to make a change THEY WANT TO MAKE in their lives.

Most people resent accountability. They don’t want to be pushed. They don’t want high expectations.

They want lower and lowering expectations. Even when they pay someone to hold them accountable.

But if you want real growth — surround yourself with people who expect you to show up bigger than you’ve ever watched yourself show up. Surround yourself with people who see enormously more in you than you could ever see in yourself.

Expect success.

Attach to nothing.

Play.

Fail.

The Meaning of Life

Photo by Erii Gutierrez on Unsplash

The Meaning of Life

A tiny answer to a massive question.


God could very well exist. However, the burden of proof is on the believers to produce and provide evidence of her presence. I am not one of those believers. It doesn’t define my life; I don’t think about religion much. I do, however, think about something religion thinks about quite often, which is What It All Means. I found it, curiously, in the slightly-above-average mainstream American comedy City Slickers. Really.

“You’ve got to find that one thing,” says cowboy Curly, played by Jack Palance — who was nominated for a fucking Oscar for that performance! — before riding off into the actual sunset. Billy Crystal asks, “What’s the one thing?”


So, what is the one thing? What is the meaning of life? I turn back to various cultural institutions and systems of rule, including religion: capitalism, feudalism, socialism, democracy, military, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, sports, communism, imperialism, on and on … We can debate the merits and validity of each of these until we’re blue in the face — but I keep coming back to the one overlapping idea that crops up in everything: Service.

Bob Dylan once sang, “Gotta serve somebody.” And although he was specifically talking about god (or the devil), there are plenty of other definitions for service, largely qualified by exactly whom you are serving. In capitalism, it’s the market. In feudalism, it’s the lord. In democracy, it’s the electorate. In the military, it’s your country. In religion, it’s god. In sports, it’s your team. But, distilled to its essence, life — and the ways in which we attempt to organize it — is largely about serving other people. Where we tend to disagree — liberals, conservatives, Buddhists, Christians, imperialists, liberators — is on the “how.” And the “how” is very important.


Remember that one thing? That’s the how. It’s your own tiny way of impacting the world through the service of others, your own behaviors which ripple across society. If I could lay a few ground rules down for how to serve, I would propose the following:

  1. When possible, err on the side of kindness.
  2. When possible, err on the side of empathy.
  3. When possible, err on the side of justice.
  4. When possible, err on the side of flexibility.

A society that does not openly encourage kindness, empathy, justice and flexibility is a rigid, intolerant one — one that forces servitude upon its people in the name of greater good, while creating miserable lives for most with the exceptions of a select, privileged few. There is a net-increase in suffering.

A person who does not openly embody kindness, empathy, justice or flexibility is a tyrant — an authoritarian who believes others should exist only in service of this select, privileged few or face punitive measures. There is, again, a net-increase in suffering. No matter where you live, you’re probably thinking of someone in particular right now.

You can easily ask yourself if a society, culture, institution, humanity itself or the individuals it’s comprised of serve properly by answering this simple question: Do the people (and the environment!) they touch suffer less today than they did before?


And, couched within that question, is the meaning of life. To ease the burden of suffering of others. That is humanity’s greatest challenge. We address this challenge through service. It’s how we connect, aid, empathize, love, raise a family, save lives, enrich lives, cure disease, cultivate, create and fight. We do it to ease the burden of suffering. To lessen it. To divide it. To, hopefully, vanquish it. All service, no matter the name nor the god it is performed in the name of, must be done with this north star in mind. The meaning of life is to serve others with the purpose of easing the burden of suffering. That’s it. That’s the one thing. Your one thing, well, that’s still something you gotta figure out for yourself.


I — and perhaps you, too — often wrestle with the question of what constitutes “enough?” Namely, enough as it pertains to “how much should I do to ease the suffering of others?” The obvious answer is “as much as you possibly can,” but then the follow-up question is, “how much is that?”

After mulling over, I think we can frame the answer thusly: For as long as there is suffering in the world — and there will always be suffering somewhere — the answer is “it will never be enough.” I think what we were all put here to do, rather, is to gravitate a little closer to what “enough” could be, as long as we recognize that we are all enough in our little way. We all die eventually, often alone and with little fanfare, but what we do within our brief period of time spent as living, breathing humans, will have some measure of impact. I think it is our mission — neigh, our duty — to ensure that impact is kind, empathetic, just and flexible to change, able to bend ever closer to where humanity finds itself tomorrow and long after we’re gone.

Our lives serve something greater, and whether you believe that’s a god, or a country, or a city, or a team, or a business, or whatever, remember this: When you strip all that away, we serve humanity and Earth as a whole. We are cogs in the great universal machine. Where we find our freedom is in the way in which we turn, and in the way we help others find freedom for themselves. That’s What It All Means. Well, it’s one thing it could all mean, anyway.

Best Love Quotations Of All Time

What I have been savoring in the pages of my personal diary!

You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.

— Albert Einstein

Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

Quotations, other than being read for pleasure and the ‘this feels so true’ factor, can also help you escalate your relationship!

Just run your eyes down this list, sort out the best one that fits your relationship status and send it to your ‘Special Someone’!

When we come across some quotes that best fits our situation, we often resonate so well that we instantly feel at peace!

So….Get Set Go!

1. The higher you build walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down.

— Unknown

2. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

— Unknown

3. She wasn’t exactly sure when it happened. All she knew for sure was that right here and now, she was falling hard and she could only pray that he was feeling the same way.

— Nicholas Sparks

4. In life, you have to take the pace that love goes. You don’t force falling in love, you don’t force being in love — you just become. I don’t know how to say that in English, but you just feel it.

— Juan Pablo Galavis

5. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

— Mignon McLaughlin

6. The saddest thing about falling in love is that sooner or later something will go wrong.

— Unknown


“Woman`s hand with a ring on a man`s hand at Nunggalan Beach Nyang Nyang” by Andrew Avdeev on Unsplash

7. Sometimes the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you.

— Unknown


8. Love does not appear with any warning signs. You fall into it as if pushed from a high diving board. No time to think about what’s happening. A crazy, heart-stopping, roller-coaster ride.

— Jackie Collins

9. Falling for him would be like cliff diving. It would be either the most exhilarating thing that ever happened to me or the stupidest mistake I’d ever make.

— Hussein Nishah


10. The bottom line is that we never fall for the person we’re supposed to.

— Jodi Picoult


11. If you’re afraid of getting hurt and feeling severe pain, then avoid falling in love.

— Unknown


12. I was falling. Falling through time and space and stars and sky and everything in between. I feel for days and weeks and what felt like lifetime across lifetimes. I fell until I forgot I was falling.

— Jess Rothenberg


13. I think falling in love is always a surprise, right?

— Josh Dallas


14. Each day my love grows deeper, deeper than I never thought before.

— Unknown


15. No one ever fell in love gracefully.

— Connie Brockway


16. Love is a feeling, a feeling of happiness. Love is powerful, too powerful to play with. This feeling is strange and hard to describe, but when you fall in love, you will know it inside.

— Unknown


17. It is better to lock up your heart with a merciless padlock, than to fall in love with someone who doesn’t know what they mean to you.

— Michael Bassey Johnson


18. A priceless moment is when the person that you have fallen in love with, looks you right in the eyes to tells you that they have fallen in love with you.

— Unknown


19. Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

— Helen Rowland


“A white flower called “Love in the mist” blooms against a black background” by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

20. “Falling in love is easy. Falling in love with the same person repeatedly is extraordinary.

— Crystal Woods


21. Love is like a hole; once you fall in, it’s hard to get out.

— Unknown


22. Falling in love doesn’t fall by itself. There is always a desire to take the plunge. Just make sure that love sticks around, to pick you up when you fall.

— Unknown


23. “All I’m saying is that I don’t want to sort of fall in love with fifty different people. I’d rather find one person and fall completely, deeply in over my head.

— Anna White


24. When we’re falling in love or out of it, that’s when we most need a song that says how we feel. Yeah, I write a lot of songs about boys. And I’m very happy to do that.

— Taylor Swift


25. Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves

— Unknown


26. Don’t fall in love; rise with it.

— Amit Abraham


27. We never get enough of falling in love and believing in love.

— Shemar Moore


28. I’m not just falling in love with you, I’m falling into you. You’re an ocean, and I’m falling in, drowning in the depths of who you are.

— Unknown


29. Have you ever watched a leaf leave a tree? It falls upward first, and then it drifts toward the ground, just as I find myself drifting towards you.

— Beth Kephart


“A scene prepared for a wedding with flower bouquets, empty chairs, and an altar” by Shardayyy Photography on Unsplash

30. When two people fall in love, all they can think about is how to build a perfect world around them.

— Unknown


31. There is that awful moment when you realize that you’re falling in love. That should be the most joyful moment, and actually it’s not. It’s always a moment that’s full of fear because you know, as night follows day, the joy is going to rapidly be followed by some pain or other. All the angst of a relationship.

— Helen Mirren


32. The mark of a real man, is a man who can allow himself to fall deeply in love with a woman

— Unknown


33. Isn’t that how falling in love so often works? Some stranger appears out of nowhere and becomes a fixed star in your universe.

— Kate Bolick


34. The greatest wonderful feeling is falling in love.

— Lailah Gifty Akita


35. No one believes in love at first sight until that special person comes along and steals your heart.

— Unknown


36. When you fall head over heels for someone, you’re not falling in love with who they are as a person; you’re falling in love with your idea of love.

— Elisabeth Rohm


37. Don’t try to stop your heart from falling in love, because in the end it may be worth it.

— Fad Ibra


38. She wonders if this is what people call falling in love, the desire to be with someone for every minute of the rest of her life so strong that sometimes she is frightened of herself.

— Yiyun Li


39. Love is like falling down…in the end you’re left hurt, scared, and with a memory of it forever.

— Unknown


40. When you love, you get hurt. When you get hurt, you hate. When you hate, you try to forget. When you try to forget, you start missing. And when you start missing, you’ll eventually fall in love again.

— Vinay Sharma


41. The scary thing about falling for someone is you don’t know whether they will stay or just leave at any given time.

— Emily Tilley


42. When you’re falling in love, you never notice it until you’ve already hit the ground.

— Terry Mark


“Two colorful floral arrangements in tin pails, with cut roses nearby” by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

43. Once you tell someone you love them, you automatically give that person the right to hurt you, and yet you place a trust in them that they won’t tear you apart.

— Abhishek Tiwari


44. Falling in love is a wonderfully terrifying sensation.

— Steve Maraboli


45. If ever you remember me, I will be thankful. If ever yours lips meets mine, I will be grateful. If ever we fall in love, I will be happy. If ever we fall apart, I will be sorry.

— Unknown


46. How can one fall in love? For me, love can only be uplifting…

— Ashok Kallarakkal


47. No one ever fell in love without being a little bit brave.

— Mario Tomasello


48. How is it that mankind can engineer condoms to prevent pregnancy and STDs and not be able to invent some sort of emotional safeguard? Is it even possible to abstain from falling in love?

— Daria Snadowsky


49. When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it.

— Unknown


50. I loved him desperately, completely, and he wasn’t threatening to consume me anymore. He already had. Everything that was me was him. My heart, mind and soul all were as much a part of him as they were me.

— Cassandra Giovanni


51. Be careful while falling in love, see that the fall doesn’t kill You.

— Steve Relane


52. Then he kissed her so deeply and so completely that she felt like she was falling, floating, spiraling down, down, down, like Alice in Wonderland.

— Liane Moriarty


53. If you fall in a river, There is a Boat, If you fall in well, There is Rope, But if you fall in LOVE, There is no HOPE.

— Unknown


54. You can’t help who you fall in love with.

— E.L. Montes


55. Falling in love is like jumping off a really tall building; your head tells you, ‘Idiot you’re gonna die’ but your heart tells you ‘Don’t worry pretty girl you can fly.’

— Unknown


56. God is such a cruel god
for making you so wonderful,
and for making me so weak.

— Sade Andria Zabala


“Man and woman kissing in a field at La Fresneda, partially obscured by long waving grasses” by Montse Monmo on Unsplash

57. You know you’re falling in love when the feeling of falling actually feels like you’re floating.

— Rashida Rowe


58. Many people do not fall in love; they fall in love with the idea of themselves being in love.

— C. JoyBell


59. To fall in love is very easy, Staying in love is a challenge, Letting go is the hardest part, And moving on is a damn suicide.

— Nishan Panwar


60. There is no greater feeling than falling in love, and no greater pain than when you lose it.

— Unknown


61. When your stomach turns somersaults every time you see your love interest, when you can go without eating for half a day because you can’t think of anything else, and when the sound of her voice blocks out every possible distraction each time you hear it…then logic’s role becomes a very minor one.

— Erik Tomblin


62. I never fall in love, because everything that falls breaks.

— Unknown


63. You know you’re in love the moment you can touch the stars without reaching. -Morgan

— Melisa M. Hamling


64. People should fall in love with their eyes closed.

— Hussein Nishah


65. Today’s problem is that people are quickly falling in love and falling out of it just as quickly.

— Moffat Machingura


67. Love is simple. You just gotta let yourself fall and have faith that someone will be there to catch you.

— Chelsea M. Cameron


68. Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them.

— Unknown


69. Falling in love not only brings excitement and fulfillment; it also creates anxiety and fears of rejection and potential loss.

— Kumar Anupam


Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

70. Because before the time when you’re heartbroken, you get to be in love, and that’s worth it.

— Leila Sales


71. I fell in love with you because there was a mischief in your eyes.

— Michka Assayas


72. You can run away from love but it’ll find you and make you fall into it.

— Unknown


73. I loved you before I even knew the name for it. Everyday I’d sit beside you, inhaling your scent, looking at your beautiful face. Every night, dreaming about you. You eclipsed everything else. It was you. Always you.

— Heather Anastasiu


74. Falling in love doesn’t hurt; it’s the sudden STOP that hurts so much.

— Unknown


75. Falling in love doesn’t always lead to heartbreak, honey. With the right man, it can be a one-way ticket to paradise.

— Catherine Anderson

Why Most People Will Never Have Great Relationships

Low-quality relationships = low-quality life.

“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” -Tony Robbins

Relationships are perhaps the most important foundation for your life.

If you have great relationships, there’s virtually nothing that can defeat you, or even discourage you. As prolific author Frank Crane once wrote, having a close friend “doubles every joy and halves every defeat.”

But if most of your relationships are shallow and superficial, it doesn’t matter if you have the most “successful” life imaginable — everything still rings hollow if there’s no one to celebrate with.

As part of a recent study, The National Science Foundation (NSF) asked 1,500 people how many friends they had that they could talk with about their personal troubles or triumphs.

1 in 4 said they had no one to talk with. That number doubled when they took out family members.

Two thirds of Americans say they’ve lost more than 90% of the friends they had 10 years ago. Many Americans can only claim to have 2 close friends — maybe less.

Why do most people have mediocre relationships — or none at all?

Why are most people on track to never have great relationships?

Because they can’t be bothered to learn how.

“In order to get to the next level of whatever you’re doing, you must think and act in a wildly different way than you were before.” -Grant Cardone

Most People Can’t Be Bothered to Learn How to Communicate

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” -Ernest Hemingway

When my wife Kimi and I were in premarital counseling, we read a book called The 5 Love Languages. That little book has made us 1000x closer to each other.

Maybe you’ve read the book before. In a nutshell, the book says every person loves, and wants to be loved, in 5 ways (with 1 or 2 main preferences):

  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Gifts

Everyone loves — and wants to be loved — in these 5 ways. But the reason most people continue to have mediocre relationships is because they just can’t be bothered to learn how the other person wants to be loved.

Not knowing how your loved ones want to be loved is extremely dangerous. This is where the deepest, most profound disconnects can happen, things like:

  • The workaholic father who buys his children anything they want — except all they really wanted was a dad who came to baseball games
  • The husband who never really wants to talk — but is always in the mood for sex
  • The friend who is more attentive to their smartphone than whatever you’re talking about

Most people can’t be bothered to learn how to communicate with and love their friends/partner the way they want.

As long as you never learn how you want to receive love — and learn how those around you want to receive it — you’ll always have mediocre relationships.

Communication is hard. It takes empathy, focus, and conscious effort to give your friend the attention they need.

But isolation and loneliness are far harder.

The reason your relationships are mediocre is because you haven’t learned enough about communication.

“If you keep living like the way you are now, you will continue to produce the same life you already have.” -Jim Rohn

Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash

Upgrade Your Relationships 10x By Just SAYING It

“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” -Harriet Beecher Stowe

(I wrote this section recently that ended up being highlighted by hundreds of people):

When my wife and I were in premarital counseling, our counselor gave us a piece of advice that would end up changing our lives:

Always make the first move.

The meaning is simple: if you can help the relationship, then do it. Don’t wait for the other person to act (even if you don’t want to).

Most people have strained and superficial relationships with family and even with friends. This is because most people always wait for the other person to “make the first move;” say hello, organize a hangout, or apologize.

This is a pride thing. It’s one of the main killers of marriages, friendships, and even families.

If you want to have deep, meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and even just the people in your day-to-day life, make the first move — even if it should be them. Be the first to:

  • Initiate the conversation
  • Send the first text
  • Say you miss them
  • Say you love them
  • Apologize and ask for forgiveness
  • Organize a hangout
  • Compliment them
  • Thank them
  • Tell them you appreciate what they did

For a long time, I felt awkward and uncomfortable telling my brothers and sister “I love you.” Three of the people whom I loved most in the entire world, and I couldn’t say it!

Now, I tell them I love them all the time. I say it over text, over casual phone calls, at crises, celebrations, and over the holidays. I tell my friends, too. Every single important person in my life — mentors, family, friends, even coworkers, know how special they are to me.

It feels silly to be afraid to say this to a loved one. Yet, so many people can’t say a few simple words that would galvanize the entire relationship and deeply touch their soul.

Once you can do this, you can begin enjoying a gem most people never will: close, loving, life-giving relationships with many people.

Most People Care About Others, Yes — But They Care About Themselves More

In his book, No One Wants to Read Your Sh*t, New York Times Best-selling author Stephen Pressfield wrote:

“None of us wants to hear your self-centered, ego-driven, unrefined demands for attention. Why should we? It’s boring. There’s nothing in it for us.”

In the same way artists and creatives can only connect with their audience through giving value, you can only truly connect with others when it stops being about you.

If you want deeply fulfilling relationships, you must give from yourself.

Give your time, attention, energy, love, and focus towards building and nurturing that relationship.

The individuals who do this are rare. But anyone who chooses to build their relationships like this are the ones who will have deep, meaningful relationships.

“The world gives to the givers and takes from the takers.” -Adam Grant

Photo by Seth Reese on Unsplash

The Questions Everyone With Incredible Relationships Asks Themselves

“Successful people do what unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.” -Darren Hardy

People with several deep, intimate relationships carry themselves differently. They treat their friends differently. They ask themselves specific questions that most people don’t even think of.

From a speech for alcoholics by marriage experts Dave and Polly P.:

“Ask yourself: Do I think of my partner and myself as a unit? Our book says that selfishness and self-centeredness are, we think, the root of our problem.

Are you selfish or self-centered with respect to your marriage or relationship?

Do you think in terms of our house, our cars, our bank account, our dogs, our furniture?

Or do you think in terms of my car, my money, my phone, my stuff?

If you are thinking mostly about yourself, you are not likely to have a relationship with another person that will bring you joy and happiness.”

Most people don’t ask themselves these hard questions. The truth is, if you have mediocre relationships, it’s likely because you’re being selfish, self-absorbed, or self-centered.

Can you say you’ve been more selfless than selfish in the past few months?

Many people can’t.

The good news is, change is readily available.

All that is required is action.

Best-selling author Grant Cardone once wrote:

“Almost every problem people face in their lives are all the result of not taking enough action.”

If you want to upgrade your relationships from mediocre to extraordinary, you must take actions you’ve never taken before. Grant Cardone went on to write, “Success is just one of the byproducts of those who take the most action.”

Want incredible relationships, best friends, and an amazing partner?

Then take more action than you ever have before.

If You Don’t Value Your Healing, You Don’t Value Your Relationships

“We can never flee the misery that is within us.” -Arthur Golden

Most people carry severe baggage with them all day.

We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all been laughed at, excluded, beat up, put down, and forgotten.

A main difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people bring this garbage out in the open to heal it.

  • When I was 7, I was bullied constantly for a severe speech impediment.
  • When I was 10, my best friend Donald convinced the rest of our friends to kick me out of our group and throw rocks at me.
  • When I was 15, my high school girlfriend told my entire school was a porn-addict after telling her I struggled with porn.

I could go on. I’m sure you could, too.

The reason people with successful, amazing relationships have them is because they’ve chosen to address their own emotional garbage that prevents them from connecting.

If you want amazing relationships, you need to work on yourself first.

I saw my own life going down the toilet — I was addicted to porn, had terrible unresolved family issues, and virtually nonexistent self-worth.

I made the choice to go to therapy, 12-step programs, and get all this crap out in the open.

It sucked. It required more of me than I’ve ever had to give.

But my marriage with my wife is incomprehensibly amazing. I haven’t looked at porn in years. My wife teased me the other day that I have a million “bro-mances.” She’s right — I have a dozen guys that I know intimately, and they know me the same way.

If you want to upgrade your relationships from mediocre to extraordinary, then spend a lot of time, focus, and energy on making yourself better.

Jason Blackeye on Unsplash

In Conclusion

“The measure we gave was the measure we got back.” -Alcoholics Anonymous

The amount of energy, focus, and care you put into making yourself better is proportionate to the level of relationships you’ll have.

If you don’t invest in yourself…

If you don’t bother to learn how to communicate…

If you don’t care enough to learn how your loved ones want to be loved…

You’ll always have mediocre relationships.

If you want amazing, high-quality relationships that will last for decades, you need to take action to learn how to do that. Take care of yourself, and heal what’s preventing you from connecting.

The Hard Lesson I Learned Being Betrayed By My Closest Friends

Nicolas Cole Instagram

When I was in 8th grade, my 6 best friends kicked me out of our friend group.

I had shared my entire adolescence with these guys.

Every Friday night after school, we would all meet at the blue statue in the courtyard and walk three blocks to John’s house. John’s dad we were pretty sure was in the mafia and was never around, and John’s mom sat in the living room smoking cigarettes while she played Pokemon on Gameboy. We would go up to John’s room, which was tucked away in the attic under this awesome slanted ceiling, and play video games until two in the morning. Under the tiny television was a graveyard of gaming cartridges and wires. The room was small, so three of us would sit on the floor and the other three would sit on the leopard couch behind us. The rule was you had to give up your controller if you lost.

Every Halloween, we would meet at Kyle’s house to plan our routes.

We’d bring our empty pillow cases to school and start promptly at 3:30 p.m. First, we’d walk up and down the main streets, and then slowly make our way to the Woodlands — where the houses were bigger and the driveways were longer and the candy was King Size. In 7th grade, John’s sister started throwing parties on Halloween night, right down the street. When we were done trick-or-treating, we’d end at John’s house and walk into a kitchen full of 8th graders. Since it was John’s house, they were nice to us. They’d offer us beer, to stay and hang out, but we never did. We carried our heavy pillow cases up to John’s room in the attic, eating Reese’s peanut butter cups and Skittles while we played Phantasy Star Online.

We did everything together.

And went through everything together. When Kyle’s family decided to move to Mexico for a year, I became better friends with Nick and the other John — since our groups had merged in 5th grade, with me, Kyle, Turner, and the other Cole in one group, and both Johns and Nick in the other. Of everyone in that group though, Kyle was my best friend.

When Kyle’s parents moved out of their rental and into their first big, big house, I slept over before he even had furniture in his room. When Kyle got into paintballing, I got into paintballing too. When Kyle accidentally threw a shinny hockey stick at my head in his basement and I started gushing blood all over my heads, he and his mom took me to the hospital — and he played Gamecube with me while my stitches healed. And when Kyle got a really bad ear infection and had to get surgery, I was the one who stood up for him at school when kids called him deaf.

But by the end of 8th grade, suddenly we weren’t friends.

Kyle and John and Nick didn’t want to play video games anymore. They wanted to smoke cigarettes, and pour vodka into water bottles they could carry around — things I didn’t want to take part in. Kyle made some new friends that wore hemp necklaces with little glass mushrooms hanging in the middle. John and Nick made some new friends with guys who played computer games, not console games.

One day, I showed up to our lunch room table and my seat was taken. When I asked if anyone could move over, their elbows extended to fill the space between them.

“There’s no room for you. Sorry,” said Nick.

Kyle kept his eyes on his red lunchroom tray. He wouldn’t look at me.

Just a few weeks before summer, and a few months before going into high school, this was one of the saddest moments of my adolescence. I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. I remember walking into high school, everyone immediately having some sense of “belonging.”

I had no one. And every group I tried to insert myself into, everywhere I tried to fit in, seemed to sing the same song.

“There’s no room for you. Sorry.”

For four years, I didn’t have a single friend at my high school. I had kids I sat next to in the lunch room, loners just like me, a long table we all shared to save ourselves the embarrassment of sitting alone. But the truth is, we were alone. We were all alone together.

I played two years of high school hockey, only talking to the guys on my team while we were on the ice. Off the ice, they had their own groups, and pretended I didn’t exist. In gym class, I was always last pick. In math, I partnered up with the Asian exchange student who didn’t speak very good english and have any friends either. In French, there was an odd number of students, I was the only guy, and since none of the girls really wanted to be my partner, I often did exercises with my teacher. I didn’t go to a single school event, or attend a school dance until my prom senior year, and I brought a girl from another school — my girlfriend.

How I coped with my feelings of betrayal and abandonment was by spending thousands of hours in the World of Warcraft.

I devoted my entire life to that game — and found friendship on the Internet instead.

I didn’t spend Saturday nights in someone’s basement, shotgunning beers and watching movies. I spent Saturday nights in Molten Core, listening to my guild leader give all 40 of us our assignments for that night’s raid.

I didn’t spend school nights asking my parents if I could go to a girl’s house to “study.” I spent school nights pretending to go to sleep at 10:00 p.m., only to crawl back out of bed at 10:42 p.m. to lead a 10-man Warsong Gulch group until 2:30 in the morning.

I didn’t spend Fridays downtown, grabbing pizza and seeing a movie with friends. I spent it ordering Chinese food or Domino’s Pizza, grinding honor points until I was face down on my keyboard and the sun was coming up.

I coped by focusing myself on my goals.

When I was 17 years old, I became one of the highest ranked World of Warcraft players in North America.

Experiencing betrayal, abandonment, and loneliness isn’t always a bad thing. It’s painful, but it’s not deadly. Looking back, my high school experience would have been incredibly different had I stayed friends with those guys. I probably wouldn’t have had the same determination and drive to achieve my goals in the World of Warcraft — because the game would have been a hobby, not an escape.

Often times, it’s the pain we go through that makes us great at what we do. This is the duality of “success.” However, in order to cope in a productive way, you have to be aware of the pain you’re experiencing — and why.

Then it becomes a simple question of how you want to cope.

Do you want to be self destructive?

Or do you want to be self motivated?